La vie en rose

PERSONAL BLOG: Ivanka. 20. USA.

In my head, I make sense

"Find what you love and let it kill you."

Entries by month

Instagram: @ivankanadine

Navigation

Home /Message/Main/Ivanka/Recipes/Etc

The Overnight Haiku

theovernightguy:

All night I miss you.
All i want is to be home,
snuggled next to you.


-BG

Posted 8 hours ago With 106 notes

09.29.14 On my uncle’s endless reminder that I am incredibly susceptible to end up like my mother:

[I received an incredibly detailed email of him saying that he thinks history is going to repeat itself and I am going to get myself pregnant by some loser who thinks he’s all that and I’d just lose sight of the foggy dreams I have because I didn’t have a clear goal in the first place anyway. So. This is my response on how he’s incredibly wrong. How I wish this is the last time I am going to have to talk about my sex life because it’s extremely mortifying to talk about multiple times to my uncles, aunts, grandma and parents. P.S. You think your sex talk was bad…]

Dear Ninong,

Please do not think that I am merely trying to ignore the possibility of me making the same mistakes as my mother did. I think as children, we are all at least a little wired to be somewhat like them. After all, we’ve been around them most of our lives. I may not be there to witness what she went through or too young to comprehend the extent of suffering she has experienced, but I do understand and I still learn from the stories I hear and the consequences that are still evident up to this day. Like I said, I do not completely ignore the possibility of me getting pregnant and I think this is where I’d like to point out how I have learned from her and how I am different my mom.
First, I would like to be straight with you about my goals and dreams. I have not wanted to be the kind of doctor Tatay wants me to be. I’m not going to pursue internal medicine or dermatology or even be a surgeon. That is not me, and I’ve learned that through finding more about myself over the last couple years. I am currently a Psychology major. In two years, I will be transferring to a university where I will get a bachelor’s degree. From there, I have two options on what to pursue. The first option is to get at least a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and eventually pursue a PhD. The second option is to go to med school and eventually become a psychiatrist, focusing on behavior and neurology. As you can see, anything that involves the brain is what I am highly interested in. I’ve explained this to Nanay upon watching a Ted Talk by Daniel Amen. I believe that if I understand the brain and be able to learn how to prevent and treat certain things, I can then actually help not just my patients but their families as well. This is what I’m pursuing and I am sure that I cannot be anything else than be in this field, studying what I am actually passionate about and not just because other people told me this brings in the most money. 
I plan to achieve these goals by working really hard. I talk to Ninang frequently and I report what I do in school and the things I do to maximize my resources and opportunities to learn. Today, I found out that in my Biological Psychology class, I was one of the four people who got an A. The exam was extremely hard and the class average is a 71% which is borderline passing. This was possible because I try to plan my time well, be in a place where I am not distracted when studying, and meet with my professor almost every office hour. I think I am the only person in my class who’s actually meeting up with him. Furthermore, I have talked to school counselors about my subject combinations and made sure I have what I need to transfer to the universities I have already picked out and showed my parents and Ninang. This is not a joke to me, or something that I just feel I have to do because I am expected to do it. I often get the impression that I am not this motivated in reaching my goals because of the other things people have found out about me.
Next, I hope I do not sound as arrogant and naive as how this may initially look but I do not know any other way to actually say these things. I am not her. I am not my mother. I have some traits that I’ve gotten from her which is mostly being stubbornly emotional, but I have people in my life to straighten me out every now and then. Ninang has done a good job in reminding me to keep my eye on the prize and know that every single thing I do poses a consequence. She has also taught me not to be emotional when it comes to things like this. So, I do hope I am not coming off as someone who is emotional. 
My mom has admitted that she did not know a lot of things when she was my age and she got pregnant the first time she had sex. She entrusted her safety with this guy who obviously didn’t give a rat’s ass about her virginity. Also, she didn’t do anything else to ensure she’s safe. Mom was young and incredibly naive. I’m not saying I’m not naive right now because I most certainly am. But the difference is that I am responsible and this is how I am learning from that. I’m with someone who is, trust me, equally responsible and paranoid about this as I am. This isn’t just about hormones firing all the time for me. I’m experiencing being in an actual healthy and loving relationship without losing sight of what is actually important to me. I’ve chosen someone who is dependable and trustworthy and I do not regret anything. Not missing any pills and using further protection and careful planning, I’m being as careful as what is realistically expected of me. Realistically, meaning abstinence is completely out of the question which has bothered a lot of people, as I’ve noticed. As for the question of where my self worth is as asked (repeatedly, unfortunately) by Papa, Mom and Dad, it is intact. I’m incredibly sorry for everyone who thinks that just because I’m not a virgin anymore, I have nothing to give my future husband. I do not believe in this as I believe in everything that makes me who I am right now- the mistakes, the things I’ve learned, and everything that shapes me who I am as I try to better myself as I become the kind of woman I want to be- is the greatest gift I can give anyone. My self-worth is not defined by my virginity, and it never will be.
As for who I spend more quality time with? I see Aaron once a week for 4-5 hours nowadays. My day is filled with taking people to work/school/karate, picking them up, doing a lot of chores, looking for a job and looking after our dog who nobody else plays with. The last couple of days, I have been spending some time playing pool with mom. Before this, there would always be tension in the house. I’m just going to go ahead and say that my stepdad and I are really not extremely fond of each other. I do not wish to expound on this, nor do I would like anyone else to make this their business, but I have my own reasons as to why I’d still have Papa walk me down the aisle and not think twice about it. I am glad that my mom is married and happy but I have stopped yearning for a dad to sugar coat things for me, or be that dorky loving present father who every child needs to have. When things got crazy at home, I felt like I was not being understood and only being shunned from straying away from their expectations during the times I just needed to feel unconditional love. Furthermore, mom and I haven’t agreed on a lot of things and it just came to the point where being around her was tiring. Aaron was a great distraction and he became my best friend. This of course does not constitute me choosing him over my family no matter the drama or tension that goes on. He made everything for me and assured me that things will be alright if I should keep my cool, have an open mind, and basically be a better person. He has always encouraged me to study and aim high. He is not selfish, nor thinks that he can take much better care of me than my parents. Any comparison between my biological father and my boyfriend is completely insane. Especially since I have not lost any interest in being the kind of person I want to be.
Please know that it’s not just about me being a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist. My definition of the kind of woman I want to be is wise, responsible, has a backbone, loyal, charitable, trustworthy, faithful, open-minded and fearless. Would I want to succumb to being the kind of woman who will just follow some man around because I’m in love? No. I want to be seen as someone strong. I want to be strong and I am becoming like that. I’m not going to give up all of this because I’ve been careless or I wasn’t being safe enough. I guess there are a lot of things that can happen to me that I can’t comprehend right now but all I’m saying is that I need people to believe in me. Me. Not the little kid who ran around Nanay’s clinic who promised to be a doctor someday. I’m not the person I was back then, or even five years ago. I try to be trustworthy and responsible, but honestly, I’ve mostly been getting quite discouraging messages.
All I pray for is that my family would have faith in me that I can do the things I say I’m going to do because you believe in me even though you don’t have to see and understand every single thing I have experienced before or right now. This is what I am doing and I have come clean to, without my knowledge, everyone. Like I said, I am not choosing Aaron over anybody, and this goes for any hypothetical boyfriends in the future. All I’m saying is that please do not let my mother’s mistakes cloud my credibility and capability to be the person who will make you proud someday. I am after all a separate person who has a clearer goal. And yes, there is a possibility for a plethora of things to happen and I am willing to admit to those mistakes while still knowing that my family is there for me. But I cannot just sit here and do things they way I am expected to or else I would not feel any sense of being an actual individual who has her own backbone. 
Thanks for the email. It is appreciated.
Love you.
Nadine

Posted 8 hours ago With 0 notes

09.29.14

I think it’s been a while since I genuinely talked about something I am really interested in. Over the past couple months, I’ve been trying to figure out which area in Psychology I am truly interested in and what am I going to do with my degree. Clearly, I am not going to stop at a Bachelor’s Degree. Let’s just go ahead and say I can’t find a job or start a career with just that. I want to get at least a Master’s then pursue get my PhD. If this isn’t where my life would go, I’d like to get to medical school and eventually become a psychiatrist. 

So I’ve been taking this Biological Psychology class in school and we’re focusing on the brain. The brain has become the focus of my interest even before this semester started. I watched Daniel Amen’s videos on brain imagery and was just in awe of what the brain tells of us as a person. My interest in this has changed the way I sometimes see other people. I think of how their brains might be working or how it’s going to look like in a scan. What might have been the cause why they’re acting the way they are? What happened in their past that has influenced their current perspective on things? It’s so incredibly fascinating to me and I love knowing more. 

I am fortunate to have an amazing professor in this class. He has really helped me love this area in Psychology. I got home from school today and watched videos of people with the disorders I’ve learned about this morning. It’s so refreshing to see these people and understand how their daily lives are affected. Furthermore on the down side, I think I’ve become so paranoid about my own safety. Haha, but with that aside, all these new information makes me so motivated and excited about what I’m doing and the dreams I have.

Posted 12 hours ago With 0 notes

09.28.14 3W

I haven’t had this kinda weekend in a while. My parents left on Friday for a wedding at Vegas last night and they came back today. Aaron spent Friday all the way up to 6:30am with me today. Had to keep my brother from seeing him which worked. Smoked both nights and shared a bottle of wine on the second one. Last night was great and I can’t wait to have another chance like that again. We goofed around, talked, snuggled and fucked all day. In a way, I wish my brother was the kind who understood these things and is cool having him over without telling on me. Aaron and I could’ve done more and chilled somewhere else other than my room. Nevertheless, it was a great weekend. I love his company and having him around makes everything better. He makes me truly fucking happy. I’m glad I had that a lot going on for me this weekend.

Posted 1 day ago With 0 notes

09.28.14

II’m glad Phil Kaye has a video for his best poem. 

Posted 1 day ago With 0 notes

09.28.14

Wine-weed-wiener-kinda weekend.
He he he…

Posted 1 day ago With 0 notes

Dont mind the garage floor.

No-parents-weekend!!

This is gonna be an interesting weekend.

;)

Posted 3 days ago With 0 notes

09.23.14

Goddamn. So much truth in this one. 

Posted 6 days ago With 0 notes

09.22.14 Stop Whining Ivanka, and GMM

So many things I want to write about but I think that it’s time for me not to dwell too much on things. I’ve been told to separate facts from emotions so that is what I’m going to do. I’m still going to write about normal things but try not to keep posting about them. It just seems too whiny now- I talk about it to friends, my aunt, Aaron… Like I get tired of constantly repeating the same shit over and over and it doesn’t make the situation better. It just makes me feel shittier for a longer period of time. I’ve been complaining about my mom and stepdad and my family and yadayadayadayada. There’s no denying that what I’m going through is pretty shitty but I have to get over it. If not, I’ll end up like my mom who can’t let go of anything and takes things too personally way too many times. There are other people out there with shittier families and situations to deal with and in comparison, I look like a pretty lucky person. Okay, I’m broke and my parents are frustrating to deal with, but hey I can still basically go to school on my own, do what I want even if it’s to a certain extent, have amazing people in my life to support me. I should choose to be more grateful for the things I have and for the progress that has happened overtime and not try to compare what I can or cannot do to what others can. Complaining about my parents being the way they are isn’t going to change. I used to post actual good ideas in this blog before but I just have a lot of emotional entries nowadays. I’m tired of my own shit is what I’m trying to say.

So yea. Less whining, more being grateful.

———————-

In other news, I’m the newest fan of Good Mythical Morning. Well, I already was but I didn’t like them like THIS MUCH.

Posted 1 week ago With 1 note

Last time I’m asking for shit.

Mom: “I really want to buy a new bed.”
Me: “Can you help me buy a mattress first? The springs in my mattress make it hard to sleep and it’s not even anymore.”
Mom: “YOUR BED AGAIN? YOU’RE SO HARD TO BUY STUFF FOR BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GRATEFUL AND YOU DONT TAKE CARE OF YOUR THINGS. YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS LAYING AROUND YOUR BED.”
Me: “I study in my bed and then I fall asleep.”
Mom: “DONT MAKE ME STOP. YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR THINGS AND YOU CANT ACCEPT THAT YOURE LIKE THAT.”
Me: “okay, nevermind. It’s fine.”
Mom: “NO. NOW DONT TELL ME ITS FINE LIKE I SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.”

Okay. I mean it’s not like you haven’t changed since you got married and you won’t believe it when I call you out on it but okay. Hope you like your new bed. You always have something to complain about now. I’m ungrateful, I feel so entitled to everything, I’m so disrespectful, I’m so whatever. Alright but you yell at me until I apologize and you don’t. You don’t apologize. You don’t even want to accept you’re doing something wrong. It’s always about what you’re comfortable with, how you interpret things, and how much you’re sacrificing everything and not being loved enough for it. Yea, how about the countless of times you’ve asked me where my self-worth is. What about your attitude towards me being sexually active again like it’s the end of the world because I lost my virginity the second time, if that’s even possible. You side with your husband even when he’s wrong. He sent you to the hospital but I’m not allowed to be angry for it? And when he said hr wants to kick me out of the house, that didn’t hurt you? He’s making me pay for my bills and I don’t have a job. He’s not even helping with my school when culturally he’s supposed to. And fuck, he fucking adopted me so I’m legally entitled. Oh wait, we can’t stop spending on trips now can we? No wonder I trust your sister more. She’s been more of a parent than you lately.

Posted 1 week ago With 0 notes

09.21.14 Death Waltz.

This is nice.

Posted 1 week ago With 0 notes

09.21.14

Relevant.

Posted 1 week ago With 0 notes

1. Shape eyebrows like Callie Torres.
2. Name your car Heisenberg.
3. Get a Breaking Bad shirt.
4. Get Alex Vause glasses.

Dorkiness prevails yet again.
I am powerless over it.