The Overnight Haiku
All night I miss you.
All i want is to be home,
snuggled next to you.
All night I miss you.
All i want is to be home,
snuggled next to you.
[I received an incredibly detailed email of him saying that he thinks history is going to repeat itself and I am going to get myself pregnant by some loser who thinks he’s all that and I’d just lose sight of the foggy dreams I have because I didn’t have a clear goal in the first place anyway. So. This is my response on how he’s incredibly wrong. How I wish this is the last time I am going to have to talk about my sex life because it’s extremely mortifying to talk about multiple times to my uncles, aunts, grandma and parents. P.S. You think your sex talk was bad…]
I think it’s been a while since I genuinely talked about something I am really interested in. Over the past couple months, I’ve been trying to figure out which area in Psychology I am truly interested in and what am I going to do with my degree. Clearly, I am not going to stop at a Bachelor’s Degree. Let’s just go ahead and say I can’t find a job or start a career with just that. I want to get at least a Master’s then pursue get my PhD. If this isn’t where my life would go, I’d like to get to medical school and eventually become a psychiatrist.
So I’ve been taking this Biological Psychology class in school and we’re focusing on the brain. The brain has become the focus of my interest even before this semester started. I watched Daniel Amen’s videos on brain imagery and was just in awe of what the brain tells of us as a person. My interest in this has changed the way I sometimes see other people. I think of how their brains might be working or how it’s going to look like in a scan. What might have been the cause why they’re acting the way they are? What happened in their past that has influenced their current perspective on things? It’s so incredibly fascinating to me and I love knowing more.
I am fortunate to have an amazing professor in this class. He has really helped me love this area in Psychology. I got home from school today and watched videos of people with the disorders I’ve learned about this morning. It’s so refreshing to see these people and understand how their daily lives are affected. Furthermore on the down side, I think I’ve become so paranoid about my own safety. Haha, but with that aside, all these new information makes me so motivated and excited about what I’m doing and the dreams I have.
I haven’t had this kinda weekend in a while. My parents left on Friday for a wedding at Vegas last night and they came back today. Aaron spent Friday all the way up to 6:30am with me today. Had to keep my brother from seeing him which worked. Smoked both nights and shared a bottle of wine on the second one. Last night was great and I can’t wait to have another chance like that again. We goofed around, talked, snuggled and fucked all day. In a way, I wish my brother was the kind who understood these things and is cool having him over without telling on me. Aaron and I could’ve done more and chilled somewhere else other than my room. Nevertheless, it was a great weekend. I love his company and having him around makes everything better. He makes me truly fucking happy. I’m glad I had that a lot going on for me this weekend.
II’m glad Phil Kaye has a video for his best poem.
He he he…
Goddamn. So much truth in this one.
So many things I want to write about but I think that it’s time for me not to dwell too much on things. I’ve been told to separate facts from emotions so that is what I’m going to do. I’m still going to write about normal things but try not to keep posting about them. It just seems too whiny now- I talk about it to friends, my aunt, Aaron… Like I get tired of constantly repeating the same shit over and over and it doesn’t make the situation better. It just makes me feel shittier for a longer period of time. I’ve been complaining about my mom and stepdad and my family and yadayadayadayada. There’s no denying that what I’m going through is pretty shitty but I have to get over it. If not, I’ll end up like my mom who can’t let go of anything and takes things too personally way too many times. There are other people out there with shittier families and situations to deal with and in comparison, I look like a pretty lucky person. Okay, I’m broke and my parents are frustrating to deal with, but hey I can still basically go to school on my own, do what I want even if it’s to a certain extent, have amazing people in my life to support me. I should choose to be more grateful for the things I have and for the progress that has happened overtime and not try to compare what I can or cannot do to what others can. Complaining about my parents being the way they are isn’t going to change. I used to post actual good ideas in this blog before but I just have a lot of emotional entries nowadays. I’m tired of my own shit is what I’m trying to say.
So yea. Less whining, more being grateful.
In other news, I’m the newest fan of Good Mythical Morning. Well, I already was but I didn’t like them like THIS MUCH.
Mom: “I really want to buy a new bed.”
Me: “Can you help me buy a mattress first? The springs in my mattress make it hard to sleep and it’s not even anymore.”
Mom: “YOUR BED AGAIN? YOU’RE SO HARD TO BUY STUFF FOR BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GRATEFUL AND YOU DONT TAKE CARE OF YOUR THINGS. YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS LAYING AROUND YOUR BED.”
Me: “I study in my bed and then I fall asleep.”
Mom: “DONT MAKE ME STOP. YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR THINGS AND YOU CANT ACCEPT THAT YOURE LIKE THAT.”
Me: “okay, nevermind. It’s fine.”
Mom: “NO. NOW DONT TELL ME ITS FINE LIKE I SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.”
Okay. I mean it’s not like you haven’t changed since you got married and you won’t believe it when I call you out on it but okay. Hope you like your new bed. You always have something to complain about now. I’m ungrateful, I feel so entitled to everything, I’m so disrespectful, I’m so whatever. Alright but you yell at me until I apologize and you don’t. You don’t apologize. You don’t even want to accept you’re doing something wrong. It’s always about what you’re comfortable with, how you interpret things, and how much you’re sacrificing everything and not being loved enough for it. Yea, how about the countless of times you’ve asked me where my self-worth is. What about your attitude towards me being sexually active again like it’s the end of the world because I lost my virginity the second time, if that’s even possible. You side with your husband even when he’s wrong. He sent you to the hospital but I’m not allowed to be angry for it? And when he said hr wants to kick me out of the house, that didn’t hurt you? He’s making me pay for my bills and I don’t have a job. He’s not even helping with my school when culturally he’s supposed to. And fuck, he fucking adopted me so I’m legally entitled. Oh wait, we can’t stop spending on trips now can we? No wonder I trust your sister more. She’s been more of a parent than you lately.
This is nice.